What is BDSM?
BDSM is a term used to describe aspects of sex that involve dominance, submission, and control. The practice typically involves one partner taking on a more dominant role during sex, while the other is more submissive.
Bondage: A form of restricting a sexual player's movement, for example, by ropes or handcuffs. This kind of restraint can increase sexual enjoyment for some, and induce somatosensory (of warmth, coolness, pressure, pain) feelings in different areas of the body .
Discipline: A series of rules and punishments — all agreed upon before a sexual encounter begins — for a (usually) dominant partner to exert control over and dictate the actions of their (usually) submissive partner. The above-mentioned bondage can be a form of, and a vehicle for, discipline.
Dominance: The act of dominating a sexual partner, both in and out of sex. Sometimes, dominants have arrangements with their sexual partner in which they dictate (with the others' consent) not only their partners' behavior in bed but also behavior out of it — from food habits to sleep patterns.
The act of a submissive following their dominant's actions. They have as much control over deciding what happens to them as their dominant does, even more so, perhaps. Communication between the dominant and submissive is of utmost importance, as that's where boundaries are set, desires are shared, and permission is given.
This is pleasant and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment when they take on one of these sexual roles.
The role you play
Your BDSM play doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
First, you and your partner must first decide between you who is going to undertake the dominant role and who is going to play the submissive. "It's extremely important for both of you to interchange and play both roles so you can both experience being in control of your shared sexual destiny. Quite simply, the dominant role will demonstrate skill and power and will control the submissive role."
"It's extremely important for both of you to play both roles"
The dominant/submissive dynamic is often also referred to as top/bottom. "In BDSM, the top is the dominant partner who dishes out the spanking, bondage, clamping and whipping, and the 'bottom' is the submissive partner," she says "However, bottoms can also be the more dominant partner by demanding the top to perform certain acts of their choosing and even insist on switching roles."
Safe words are an integral part
If you are keen to BDSM, however, the number one thing you need to be thinking about before getting started is safety and consent. Informed consent between individuals is known as SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink ). It's common practice for lovers who indulge in regular BDSM acts to introduce a safe word, which when spoken ensures that the current act stops immediately if things start to get out of hand
It could be a word with no relation to sex at all, such as 'Pink', but the important thing is that you both agree that hearing or speaking your chosen safety word signs that all activity has to stop until the situation has been resolved.
Benefits of BDSM
There are numerous reasons why someone may be into BDSM or kink.
It could be the freedom to give up control and surrender, and the sexual enjoyment one gets from being submissive in the bedroom. For someone who is not normally submissive in their day-to-day life, submission can be a way to let go of stress. Or it may be about taking on a dominant or aggressor role, where one gets pleasure and empowerment from giving another person orders.
BDSM practices may also allow one to play with various sensations like pain or pleasure, or the feeling of rope against their skin. Pain releases powerful endorphins like dopamine (the same chemical that is released when you feel euphoria from pleasure) from the brain that can give you a “high”, creating what is referred to as “subspace” and makes you feel good.
Some people enjoy enacting sexual roleplay fantasies, while others may enjoy the feeling of being restrained, bound, or having their limitations removed, so they can surrender to pleasure.
Many people get off on the excitement of exploring new ways to have sex or experimenting with erotic activities with their partner. Or it could be the lure of the taboo and forbidden fruit.
Safety advice
Sometimes it may feel awkward or embarrassing to communicate your sexual boundaries and limits to your lover, especially if you are shy. It is important, however, to be totally transparent and make your boundaries clear. That way, there is no miscommunication, and both partners can feel safe playing when they know the rules and restrictions. After all, your partner can’t read your mind, and you can’t expect them to know what is off-limits without you telling them first. Often, people’s limits and desires are different, so it is important to talk about them openly and honestly.